Please find this open letter of mine, as genuine impartial feedback from an audience of an incident that has left me in a state of perpetual agony over your latest Bollywood escapade (for a lack of a better word, can’t really call it a film now, can I???). After an unforeseen & unfortunate series of events that led me to watch your “thingy” on my god forsaken television, I am now a firm believer in ending piracy. Apart from its well-known ill-effects to the society, there is now an added scare of such “thingys” being available for download at practically zero cost, making you a ticking time bomb.
Though unintentionally, this was one of the few salient features of those 90 minutes of masterpiece of GOD KNOW’s WHAT, which was mostly on fast-forward and let me confirm the fact that it’s one of the few audio visual projects, where even the fast forwarded visuals are unbearable to watch. Now the popular argument would be why didn’t I switch it off? Well I am currently & regretfully closely related to the same field as yours, which led me to the question, how can it be so bad? I now have my answer along with the death of my will to ever do anything creative. But as someone who still has hopes with Bollywood (if nothing), here something’s that occurred to me while watching your “thingy”…primarily because I found it difficult to keep my attention on the screen for more than 10 seconds in a stretch.
You have a plethora of actors, some talented, some good looking, some just there, all of who now are forever a laughing stock & object of ridicule especially among the fans of Kishore Kumar, Jim Carrey & Peter Sellers. Also to be noted, these 3 legends themselves, are now a part of a larger joke which will occur whenever the world realizes “the dedication note” you snuck in at the beginning. To be true, I a genuine nicotine addict, would have preferred the anti-smoking commercial with tagline “Itna Tar Aapko Beemar Kar Sakta hai” instead of maiming these legends.
Your talent has evolved to a sublime level & brought in a technique of storytelling & direction, where you literally narrate the entire scene as a conversation between two people before the scene actually plays out and then you play out the scene. It like feeding us the pages of you script or more appropriately stuffing it down our throats. And the fun part is you have two and half hours to do that.
You have a knack of hinting on a song sequence almost 5-10 mins before it happens, which helps us to fast forward or even better skip the entire chunk.
Also commendable is your large heartedness and ability to laugh on yourself in the part where you show your previous “escapade” & Tees Maar Khaan as a torture tool, while again, you are secretly laughing on us by making us watch something that makes the former look like a “film” and the latter, a cinematic masterpiece.
That being said, I fully appreciate the courage & grit shown by you in the end credit sequence where you have showcased tit-bits from the making of the project. It somehow to some extent absolves the actors from a certain amount of ridicule as we can now see they followed your instructions & you laughing out loud at various junctures must have made them feel they were doing something right.
As a side-note, Bipasha Basu’s decision to opt out of the movie promotions was by far the most intelligent decision taken by her, at least in this lifetime & maybe in all her following reincarnations.
Though there a zillion pointers and elements that can be said and debated, ranging from why spend so much money making this to the fact that you actually made this or the fact that humour has now a new low which it might never arise from (like a contradictory phoenix that choked in the ashes), I am positive that the core sentiment has reached you.
Today as an audience I’m proud to say that this movie will not only win all the KELA & KARELA awards in this nation, but will hopefully win the Razzies hands down in the “Worst Foreign Thingy” category making me feel as constipated & crappy as I felt today . You have officially & effectively taken from 15 minutes (on Fast Forward mode) to 2 hours (the brave ones, who will be fondly remembered) of our lives, never to be returned again.
Your’s Truly (Changed Forever)
PS- If by mistake, you have taken any sentence, word or alphabet in the above letter as a positive, a praise or a personal achievement, let me be clear, “I WAS BEING SARCASTIC!!!”