“How to beat your kids” (in 650 words or less…)

ZomboDroid25072014013508Ramu & Shamu were two normal Indian kids living in a normal average Indian family. One day, Ramu & Shamu didn’t like what their mother had prepared for lunch. So Ramu instructed Shamu to smuggle the lunch of the house & dispose it in the garbage. Shamu, under pressure invariably got caught by mom  & she beat the crap out of him. He then rushed to Ramu with a vengeance and fists went flying. Their mom came to the room, stopped their fight and beat the crap out of both of them out. True Story!

An average Indian kid gets beaten up by his folks a lot. As the beaten, the question is whom would the beating come from and as the beater, the question is what do I beat him for? It’s a vicious cycle of violence! Quite justified and important, according to many Indian parents including that of yours truly. And in their defense, if I was any kind of a benchmark for an average Indian kid, I would look back and say, I was so kickass that you had to beat me to keep me down!

Years of experience of getting beaten by an assortment of indigenous beating devices, followed by seeing other kids get whacked by their folks, we reach to the current where your friends either have a kid or are in line to have one soon. Somewhere along the way, came these below mentioned revelations that could be the potential game-changer for the next generation of the beater and the beaten.

6 simple guidelines for the folks with who have the clearance to beat their kids-

  1. Get your beating basics right. How to catch your kid during a beating, so that beating is safe. Who’s the good cop and who’s the bad cop? With a range of arsenal at your disposal, starting from a wooden ruler to a broom, what will be your weapon of terror? When, why, how often, these basics will reveal themselves along the way, all you need to know is when to stop.
  2. Don’t have an element of surprise. For your kid to get the point of what went wrong, he needs to understand the consistency of the beatings. Random beatings can give him a sense of confusion, but if it has cause & effect motive attached to it, he is sure to get your point.
  3. The amount of beating should be directly proportional to the intensity of the mistake. In effect, a failed test is a beatable offence but knocking down a jar should merit just a few slaps.
  4. Major beating sessions should be followed by some major gratifications. A balance between violence & love is necessary to avoid a rebellion. Noted that you will crush it, but a growing resentment is inadvisable.
  5. If found guilty of a wrong beating, accept your mistake. But if he gloats or rubs it in your face too much, ensure a slight beating to prove that you’re still in charge.
  6. Lastly, never forget in rage or anger that he/she is your child & keep the beating confined only to his/her childhood

No rules for the kids but just an end to Ramu & Shamu’s story, in case they ever chance upon this blog.

Years later when they were grown ups, Ramu & Shamu overheard their mom tell someone, “I was an enemy to my kids in their growing years, because I was in-charge of preparing them for what lay ahead. I took my job very seriously & may have pushed it a bit too far, but with just one agenda in mind. I knew they shall go way ahead in life and look back, & when they do, they should know, what we aspired and what they endured, has & shall help them rest of the way”:-)

-Sage-ing out

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